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The first step of working with emotions is being able to see what is going on. This can be difficult, because our brain has the amazing ability to automate that which we do repeatedly. Like riding a bike, actions we do repeatedly are moved to the control of the subconscious mind. This is also true for our thoughts. Thoughts that are reoccurring in my minds, may start to lose steps that are taken over by the subconscious.
This ability to automate our thinking and movements is crucial to our survival. Imagine if we had to consciously control our beating heart, our breathing or our temperature. While necessary for our survival, this automation process can also get in our way. It can make seeing and understanding certain behaviors in ourselves much harder.
Counteracting this automated processing is not hard. The hard part is in the ability to see and understand what is going in real time—as the behaviors or emotions are happening. There are several steps to get to the point of seeing and this is where the most time is spent. The good news is: as you get good at observing your behaviors, you may find that many of them change automatically without having to do anything more. I have experienced this for myself, and I have also experienced other deeper behaviors requiring a more proactive approach. We will handle these in a later blog.
Now let’s look at the steps for seeing.
The first step is to reflect on behaviors that already have happened. If you experience a behavior that seems like you have seen it before or you just experienced a less than desirable outcome then reflect on the steps that led up to the outcome. Watch for this same set of steps happening again and in other places in your life.
Consider this example: when you get in an argument with your spouse you notice that when you feel scared, you say x to her, your spouse responds with y and then you get mad and bring up something from two years before. And nothing is ever accomplished after this. Both of you end up in quiet solitude at your end of the house.
Attempt to see when this behavior repeats. Maybe you see it every week, or once a month. You might be able to find when you are having normal discussions without so much of the emotional content. To start with, confine it to interactions with a single individual. Also keep your eyes open for other repeating behaviors with the same individual.
One way to find these is to look for sometime that bugs you about your spouse. Some interaction that bugs you every time it happens. Now carefully dissect this for your part in the behavior. If you see a repeating behavior in a relationship then you are contributing to a part of it, your actions are allowing the behavior to run its course.
Once you start to see one of these repeating behaviors crystal clear. Look for it in other relationship that you have. Marriage is the kingpin relationship for learning, but often times these same behaviors will be repeated in your other relations without more or less intensity.
Maybe at work you notice another time when you felt scared, and you deflect the conversation with X, getting a response Y, that allows you to bring up a work incident from years earlier and the outcome is nothing gets decided. It might not have near the emotional content of the argument at home, but the process and outcomes are similar. This is much harder than seeing the same behavior come up with a single individual.
Is is important to keep observing the process and learning all you can about it. If possible, we want to find the trigger for set of steps. A trigger is the first step in the process. Once the trigger is hit the rest of the process will run on its own to conclusion unless it is specifically interrupted.
So far we have been talking about reflecting on something that has already happened. Try to move the observing from a reflection after the fact to being able to spot the behavior right after it has happen. And then try to catch it while it is happening. Keep trying to learn more and more of the steps of the behavior and to notice it earlier and earlier in the process. Eventually, you may be able to see a trigger, something that starts the behavior in action.
I had planned to cover observing all in one blog, but this is a great place to stop. In the next blog I will cover the expanding this beyond behaviors to our brain chatter, emotions, and moods. The steps are basically the same though there are some nuances.
Feel free to send me questions.
Related articles
- Emotional Intelligence for Leaders (slideshare.net)
- Emotional Intelligence by Phyllis Van Hemert (speedofcreativity.org)
- Emotional Intelligence Could Predict Employee Happiness (livescience.com)
- Why Do Managers Need Emotional Intelligence? (brighthub.com)
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